The five things you should know if you were only going to know five things about yesterday at the Olympics.
1. Gabby Douglas. She extended the American women’s all-around gold medal streak to three. She’s the first American woman to win gold in both the team and all-around events. She’s 4'11". And she’s 16—what have you done, we’re all failures, etc.—but none of that really matters. Well, it all matters. It all matters a whole lot, actually, but Gabby Douglas is also the first black woman to win the all-around gymnastics. That seems to matter way more than anything else. Gabby Douglas is amazing, basically. Human beings are not supposed to be able to do the things she did.
2. Ryan Lochte swam in two races yesterday, not winning gold in either. He’s done for the 2012 Olympics, meaning he’ll leave with five medals: two golds, two silvers, and one bronze. There are two ways to look at this: 1) Ryan Lochte is a fraud and he should be tried for treason; or 2) Ryan Lochte is not Michael Phelps because no one is Michael Phelps.
3. The U.S. men’s basketball team beat Nigeria, 156-73, breaking all sorts of records in the process. According to math, the U.S. won by 83 points, which is a record—as are the 156 total points. The team also shot 29-46 from three-point range, which is maybe the most impressive thing about the performance. Carmelo Anthony scored an American Olympic record 37 points because of course Carmelo Anthony did that. Blowouts often provide an opportunity for less-used players to get substantial playing time. That would’ve been the case for Anthony Davis, the number-one pick in the 2012 draft and the lone player on the U.S. roster with no NBA experience, but he—this actually happened—forgot his jersey and was unable to play in the first half. He un-forgot it for the second half, though, and played for 15 minutes.
4. American judoka Kyla Harrison made some history, winning the country’s first-ever judo gold, against Great Britain’s Gemma Gibbons in the 78-kilogram class. Harrison’s only 22, but she’s come a long way. In 2007, her former coach was put in prison for sexually abusing Harrison when she was a teenager. Now, she’s a gold medalist. “I'm America's first gold medalist in judo,” said Harrison, “and always will be.”
5. Fine. Michael Phelps won his 16th gold and 20th medal after finishing first in the 200m Individual Medley. That’s great because now everyone can just shut up and be happy that somehow the U.S. has been allowed to have a mutant on its swim team for the past eight years. Also: American Rebecca Soni won the 200m breaststroke with a world-record time, making her the first-ever repeat gold medalist in the event. She’s the first woman to break 2:20 in the 200m. Breaststroke? More like Rebecca-Soni-Is-The-Best-Stroke, guys.