The Irrelevant Guide to the 2012 Election

Looking for which candidate's economic beliefs are best suited to the present day? Wondering who's better suited to take office should the next president become incapacitated? Well, you've come to the wrong place.

Oct 11, 2012
Outside Magazine
Presidential election 2012 Mitt Romney Barack Obama politics

Romney and Obama cookies.    Photo: Ben.Newell/Flickr

The next President of the United States will be chosen on November 6, barring any paper-hole mishaps, voting-process sabotage, or similar election-malfunction-type stuff. Whatever you consider yourself—Republican, Democrat, Independent, or beluga whale—the election is an important thing by virtue of you living in America. Even if you live in a beaver sanctuary in northern Minnesota and subsist on tree-bark and pigeon feathers, your life is shaped by whoever’s living in the White House.

However, your life is not shaped by how many rushing yards Joe Biden gained in high school, how many catfish Paul Ryan has stuck his entire arm down the throats of, how devastating President Obama considers his crossover, or how many owners of NASCAR teams Mitt Romney is friends with. Still, that all seems like it might be interesting, and if it’s not, then it’s not and that’s your thing.

So, we looked at all the candidates, presidential and vice-, and compiled a collection of their own words on anything sports-, exercise-, and outdoors-related. We did not speak to any of them. These interviews are not real, but the quotes are. Yes, not all of this is in context, but these are all words that’ve been strung together in book or verbal form by candidates Biden, Obama, Romney, and Ryan at some point in time.

If you don’t know who you’re voting for—and unless you were just born today as an 18-year-old baby, how do you not know already?—do not use this as a guide. If you do, thanks! But just don’t, OK? You’ve probably got your beliefs and thoughts and opinions on who should be elected, and that’s great. That’s how it should be. Democracy! But if you want to throw all of that aside for a second and find out who Joe Biden thinks the world’s best athletes are, then read on.

U! S! A! U! S! A! *waves limp stick of beef jerky*

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