You're an idiot. In the middle of nowhere. With a bottle but no tool with which to LIBERATE THE VINO languishing within. Fret not: You can get at that good stuff. You can even choose whether to bow to thirst or decorum: Don't overthink it; just jam the cork into the bottle, gingerly decant, and plan to drink it all that night. Too gauche for you? Then ram the butt of the bottle against a tree (trust me) until the cork rises enough for you to take the tip of a blade and pry it out little by little in a spiral-staircase pattern, so as not to break it. Or you can keep ramming until it sticks up far enough to yank it out. Now quaff like Falstaff.
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