Noah, the Intern
Noah, the Intern.
There are some amusing Lance-Oprah Drinking Game spoofs kicking around right now, like this one by Drunk Cyclist, but there’s also a problem: in terms of what game designers call “game play,” they’re not sustainable. We ran a simulation of the Drunk Cyclist game, modeling the exercise using the height, weight, and alcohol-tolerance figures of a typical young staffer at Outside (this guy), and the results were terrifying. Thirty minutes in, our test subject had a BAC of 1.8, which is enough to put you in the emergency room and/or a pledge class at the University of Tennessee.
Outside’s drinking game—designed by @alexheard with help from @mmmaiko, @billgifford, @keyeser, and helpful Twitterati including Scott Faldon (@SF_TimesRecord) and “Ed” (@ednl)—is both playable and survivable. You will “feel the effects,” certainly, but not so much that your speech will be slurred when you wave a fist at the screen and call Lance a lying jerk. Your game-day supplies and rules are below. Also helpful to have on hand: a sober Designated Bike Nerd™ to make calls during any difficult-to-judge moments that may come up during the interview.
YOU WILL NEED
- Vodka or Gin
- Bread, Water (¡paniagua!)
- Red Hots Candy (each Red Hot symbolizing a dose of EPO)
- Blood Shot (vodka and Red Bull, cranberry juice, etc.)
- “Bendy” straws
Unless otherwise noted, “drink” means a normal-sized sip of beer.
- Drink if Lance interrupts Oprah mid-question. Drink again if Oprah interrupts Lance interrupting her question.
- Drink anytime Lance uses one of these phrases: “Totally false,” “I won’t go into a lot of details about that,” “How many times do I have to say...?”, “I have no idea,” or “I know what it’s like to grow up without a father figure.”
- Drink (with a bendy straw) anytime Lance or Oprah drinks water through a bendy straw.
- Anytime Lance and Oprah hug, drink. Anytime either one sniffles or sobs, Blood Shot.
- Drink anytime Lance denies being a bully. If Lance sounds angry or stares at Oprah menacingly while denying being a bully, Blood Shot.
- Drink (with EPO chaser) anytime Oprah stares silently at Lance for longer than three (3) seconds, using “the psychiatrist’s pause” to unnerve him into giving a more revealing answer.
- If you physically cringe at a question or answer, drink. If you look away from the screen or leave the room during a question or answer, Blood Shot.
- Drink anytime Lance blames somebody or something else for creating conditions that prompted his illegal or unethical actions. Example: “Once it became obvious how corrupt the sport was, and how much doping was already going on in Europe...”
- Chug if Lance says anything outing or legally implicating any of these people: Pat McQuaid, Hein Verbruggen, Thom Weisel, or any Tour rider who has not already admitted to doping.
- Drink (in stated amounts) if Lance apologizes directly to any of these people:
- George Hincapie (¡paniagua!)
- Floyd Landis (bendy-straw beer sip)
- Tyler Hamilton (drink)
- Alberto Contador (Blood Shot, EPO chaser)
- Betsy Andreu, Travis Tygart, or Jeff Novitzky (faint, come to, ¡paniagua!, drink)
- Lance mentions Dr. Ferrari (drink)
- Mentions Chris Carmichael (do five push-ups, drink)
- Mentions Phil, Paul, or Bob Roll (reach deep into your suitcase of astonishment and drink)
- Mentions Al Trautwig or John Tesh (do a gymnastic “sticks the landing” pose; drink double Blood Shots)
- Drink anytime Lance refers to Livestrong as “we.”
- Drink anytime Lance rubs his chin with his right hand and then “fans” his fingers.
- Chug if Lance says something closely approximating this: “At some point, I’d denied it so many times that I guess I began to believe what I was saying.”
- Drink anytime cancer is mentioned. Chug if Lance says: “At this point, this is really about me getting back to doing what I love: competing and kicking cancer’s ass.”
- Finish your drink, drink a shot, and make a "BRRRIIIING!" sound if Oprah mentions @billgifford’s Livestrong article. Anyone wearing a yellow wristband at the party takes an extra shot.
- Triple Blood Shot if Oprah tells Lance, “You really can change your own reality based on the way that you think.” Chug everything in the room if she hands him a copy of The Secret.