SOMETIMES YOU'LL DO ANYTHING TO REMEMBER YOU'RE IN LOVE. On the first full day of our relationship challenge, my husband, Shawn, turns to me and says, "Screw it. Let's go to Aspen and eat Mexican food."
We're standing on a ridge that leads to a big rocky peak in central Colorado's Maroon BellsSnowmass Wilderness. Miles of chossy, fall-and-you-die scrambling lies between us and our destination, Conundrum Hot Springs.
Though the skies are clear, I sense a storm building in the distance. A spurt of saltwater erupts from my tear duct, but a stiff gust of wind kicks up, drying it before Shawn can see it.
"Seriously," Shawn says. "You hate this kind of climbing. Let's go back."
"I don't hate this kind of climbing," I snap. But he's right. I can't stand walking across scratchy knife-edge ridges. I always start shaking, which makes it impossible for me to trust my footing. I want to lie down on the iron-oxidized dirt and cry like a baby. But we've come to the Maroon Bells as a matter of our own survival. After 11 years of wedded bliss, we've realized our weddedness isn't so blissful.
The culprits of our decline are both common and predictable: kids, jobs, and the stress of being adults when we both still think of ourselves as Peter Pan and Wendy. At 40 (me) and 37 (Shawn), we're not on the verge of divorce or anything—far from it. But over the years, our roles have been seriously altered. In 2004, when I got a job as an editor at Skiing magazine, Shawn pulled double daddy duty, staying home and raising our sons, Hatcher and Scout. I came and went, following my dream of skiing the world and writing about it. Now our eight- and nine-year-old boys are in school, I'm a freelance writer, and Shawn is beginning to regain his man-in-a-man's-world sense of self. But our once happy, carefree relationship has become stale, unbalanced, and, occasionally, nasty.
There came a time, last summer, when I knew I had to do something drastic. I went to see my therapist, Kathy, who specializes in couples counseling and has known Shawn and me for more than a decade. Shawn is suspicious of Kathy because the one time we went to see her together she told him he wasn't man enough to go "toe-to-toe with me relationally." The last time I saw her, in October, we did "regression therapy," which plunged me into a pitch-black depression. When I told Shawn I was going back, he said, "Don't let her do some reverse memory displacement on you again. No need to get fucked up for a month or two. Or forever."
And yet Kathy seemed to understand us. "The problem with you and Shawn," she said, "is that you want intensity while he wants passivity. You push the problem while he refuses to accept that there is one. Keep it up and you have the perfect recipe for an explosion. Or worse yet ... stable miserable."
Comments
give me a break yet another woman whose mission is to change men to be more like them here's a clue: people in a marriage should celebrate each other's quirks and differences, not try to eradicate them also, you need to get a different therapist
Flag ThisWhat do they say? "Women go into a relationship hoping he will change. Men go into a relationship hoping she wont. The woman changes - the man doesn't." Such a crazy balance of two entirely different species (if that's the right word). I'm constantly trying to 'improve' things and constantly being told nothing needs improvement. I guess it's all in the eye of the beholder? (or I'm just a perfectionist and my boyfriend isn't...?)
Flag ThisShe married a puer, the boy who will never grow up. They both got what they needed: she a male who is totally non-threatening, and he a mother to keep indulging him. Now apparently, it's time to grow up. Taking a trip to the mountains has absolutely nothing to do with growing up, so while well written, the article was too silly to finish reading. That first picture however, was great; without reading a word one can see where these two people are at. Divorce is probably the best solution
Flag ThisY'all need to back off. Especially BB "I'm holier than thou and my resting heart rate is 12bpm" Boulder. This story is what it is: one partner's attempt to identify, work on, and confront hot spots her relationship. Is that complaining? Shame on you who judge them. At least she has the ovaries to try to do something about her happiness. It's a juggling act and she's determined to make it work. A big thanks, Tracy. I hope you and Shawn crush not just the race but life itself.
Flag ThisNot only did I find this story well written and funny, but also very fearless. I don't sense any issues between these two people that all couples who have been together for any amount of time don't come across (maybe not bikes specifically, but still..). Relationships grow, change, as do the people within them. It's ballsy to not only challenge these difficulties, but to then write about them for the world to read. It's very honest and relatable...
Flag ThisI am divided about this article. It's frightening to lay open your fears and relationship issue. Any article like this is bound to get critical comments. The act of writing it is an act of bravery. On the other hand.....it's hard to read this and not begin to see the people depicted as tragically self-involved. You can be active and accept life has changed. Kids are more than inconvenience. You don't have to "settle down", but you do have to be more about WE than ME.
Flag This....it seems, and this is just taking the world of the article t face value, which doesn't give us a full picture, that there is a desire to enjoy life in spite of the children.
Flag ThisThanks for printing this article. So many of us take our relational and emotional selves into the wilderness to get sorted. I can definitely relate to many aspects of what Ross writes about (& I'm betting many of your other readers can, as well).
Flag This"I'll hound him on the mornings he wakes up moping because he hasn't skied enough and proceeds to take it out on the family." This whole thing reads like a #1stworldproblems hashtag.
Flag ThisWhat a great article! Truly enjoyed every minute of it. She has a gift for writing that I have seen in few writers in any magazine. Witty, insightful, fun, true to life, just plain fun to read! Please give us more of her stories!! Relationship are truly tough. It takes even more guts to talk about being abused. I doubt that those of you who are criticizing her have the guts to put yourself out there like she does! Keep your shallow and petty comments to yourself! People like yo
Flag ThisThank you so much for be open and honest. As an outdoor person in a committed and fairly new relationship, I often ask myself how things will change with the addition of marriage and kids.
Flag ThisTerrific article--honest, funny, extremely well written, and a credit to Outside. My husband and I have encountered many of the same issues. Biking on our tandem from Houston to Maine they started to erupt, hiking the Appalachian Trail I had my meltdown, biking on our tandem from Houston to San Diego he had his man-meltdown, and hiking the Pacific Crest Trail we would have died had we not learned how to love each other through pretty much anything.
Flag ThisTracy Ross's article was revealing, honest and difficult. They are adrenalin junkies, and seek rewards from pushing themselves, going farther, faster, schooling the competetion. The problem is this reward also comes from drugs, danger, alcohol, conflict, smoking, buying thing you don't need. Getting those same positive feeling through honest communication, work and humility is 10 times harder but enables you to be the 70 year old hikers ahead.
Flag ThisIf I had not been on a long flight, I doubt I would have finished this, which was like being forced to listen to someone tell me about a dream they had, or watching a show of my neighbor's photos of his vacation to disney world. I felt bad for the husband who she blames for not taking things seriously. DId it ever occur to her that the things that bother her may not bother him? I cringed when she blamed her lack of sex drive on the fact that he did not push her hard enough on their bike ride
Flag ThisALso I found it ridiculous that she thinks her realtionship is in good shape becasue she and her hubby can hike faster than other people on the trail ( who did not know they were in a race) some of us go hiking and enjoy a leisurely pace so we can notice the things that make nature wonderful, not to "dust the competition". ANd, I agree with Tex, she needs a new therapist. Your sounds like a hack. If I want to read about relationships, I will buy the latest Oprah magazine.
Flag ThisEditorial that's a welcome reprieve from the nattering gear reviews and profiles of 40-something over-achieving male narcissists (and their awesome kettle-ball workouts). An outdoor-centered life isn't just about peak bagging photos, gear, training, and travelogues, but about what drives us to it, and the place adventure has in our lives and psyches. Shawn and Tracy's struggles are far more likely the rule, not the exception. Bravo for the honesty and including an insightful female voice.
Flag ThisYeah, another mommy complaining about how her children affected her carefree lifestyle-apparently, this is the "in" thing these days--YAWN. So she has "the ovaries" to work on her relationship problems--mmmm.....yeah, well, maybe if I was interested in this type of tell-all I'd buy Oprah or some other equally pathetic women's mag--and yes, I'm a woman.
Flag ThisTracy, your husband is passive-aggressive. Someone who goes out of their way to rent the expensive car, when you've already discussed you can't afford it, is not being honest about their own anger and their own behavior. His insistence that you are the problem, not him, is another tip-off. It's worth Googling "passive aggressive behavior", you might get some tips that will help you deal with your marriage. I enjoyed the article for being well-written and honest.
Flag ThisDon't get me wrong I really enjoy the mag. But this article was a complete waste of my time. All I will say is I agree with LG and Sophie.
Flag ThisDon't get me wrong I really enjoy the mag. But this article was a complete waste of my time. All I will say is I agree with LG and Sophie.
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