Everyone just relax, OK? As it turns out, the report about a cadre of weaponized Ukrainian military dolphins escaping their human captors is a hoax. People really started to lose it on Tuesday after dolphin scientist and blogger Justin Gregg posted a story about dolphins with special knives and pistols affixed to their heads that had escaped the bonds of captivity and were freely roaming European waters in search of a fight.
As it turns out, the story originated with a fake Onion-style report by a Russian museum director. The fake report was picked up by European news outlet Ria Novosti and things just snowballed from there, as Internet stories about deadly yet adorable animals are wont to do.
Those of you disappointed by the hoax, take heart. Dolphins are still used in the military to attack enemy combat swimmers and detect mines, and have been since the early 1970s. The possibility of a tragic-yet-kinda-cute dolphin war remains.
In the meantime, placate your bloodlust with this video about the history of military dolphins: