The Irrelevant Guide to the 2012 Election: Mitt Romney

Looking for which candidate's economic beliefs are best suited to the present day? Wondering who's better suited to take office should the next president become incapacitated? Well, you've come to the wrong place.

Oct 11, 2012
Outside Magazine
Mitt Romney Presidential election 2012 republican politics

Mitt Romney.    Photo: Gage Skidmore/Flickr

Not much is known about Mitt Romney except just that—that we know we don’t really know anything about him. Is he an extraterrestrial? Machine? A loaf of bread disguised as a venture capitalist? The anthropomorphization of a 100-dollar-bill, a rotary phone, and a piece of undercooked salmon? Who knows? Well, no one.

But we do know that Mitt Romney ran the 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City. And we also recently came to know that he is the proprietor of something called the Romney Olympics. Losing a competition of hammering nails straight—they must be straight—into a piece of recently-chopped wood devastated the Republican candidate for president. Oh, and he also ran this one time.

Anyway, Mitt Romney may not have a tax plan that could ever conceivably work as presented under the restrictions of things like “math” and “logic,” and he may have dismissed three-percent-less-than-half of the country as not worth his time. Or you might not believe any of that, which is fine, but for our purposes none of that is necessarily important.

Mitt Romney is running for president of the United States—and he actually looks pretty good for a 65-year-old, doesn’t he? By virtue of that, here is some information regarding his active lifestyle, attempts to stay healthy, and predilection for taking the lives of medium-to-small sized critters.

We know his running mate likes to hunt. What about Mitt?
I must admit. I guess I enjoy the sport and when I get invited I'm delighted to be able to go hunting."

What kind of hunting?
I've always been a rodent and rabbit hunter. Small varmints, if you will.”

I will.
I began when I was 15 or so and I have hunted those kinds of varmints since then.”

Has Paul Ryan made him try out P90X?
You know, I have never tried that. I might have [him] show me how to do it someday.” 

So, how does he stay in shape, then?
You know, I get on the elliptical or the treadmill or stationary bike about 40 minutes and that’s about it for me.” 

I also know that he was involved with the Olympics. Didn’t he—
I am not an Olympic athlete.”

But for all of us who organized the Olympic Winter Games of 2002, the experience was as compressed, as demanding, and often as revealing as any test or competition I could imagine.”

Well, he must’ve dealt with a bunch of sponsors then, right?
Over the years I began to associate Coke with all sorts of things I like: smiling young people, sports, music, the Olympics, and recently, polar bears. Those associations make me ‘feel good’ about Coke, a lot better than I do about RC Cola (are you still out there RC?). So when I pick up a 12-pack at the grocery store or step up to a soft drink machine, I’ll push the Coke button (of course caffeine free, Mom) even if it costs a little more.” 

Yeah, polar bears are pretty great. But I wonder what the Olympics are all about for a guy like Romney?
It’s all about sport.”

Wait, what?
"Ted Williams famously said that the hardest thing to do in sport is hit a baseball, and in my experience, the hardest thing to do in business is to hit a home run with a new business."

Sport? What the hell is he talking about?
I met a guy yesterday who is 7 feet tall, tall, handsome, great big guy, 7 feet tall, name is Rick Miller, Portland, Oregon. He started a business, of course, you know it was in basketball, but it wasn’t in basketball, I mean I figured he had to be in sport, but he wasn’t in sport, his business is caring for seniors, senior centers and nursing homes and other types of care facilities.”

OK, um, well, what sport does (I don’t know) he enjoy?
I can tell you I love waterskiing. I continue to waterski, and even though I’m not the best in the family that I used to be, I’m still pretty darn good.”

Any other loves of sport?
Ice skating? Oh boy, did I love the ice skating.”

Does he have any friends in sport?
I got a lot of good friends—the owner of the Miami Dolphins and the New York Jets, both owners are friends of mine.” 

Um, anyone else?
I have some great friends who are NASCAR team owners.”

OK, any favorite sport teams?
I grew up in Michigan, so the Michigan teams have always placed a big part of my sports interest.”

What about sport(s) in Massachusetts?
We Bay Staters joke that politics is blood sport in Massachusetts.”