Out of Bounds

24 Things Only OR Attendees Can Understand

You can take the Outdoor Retailer trade show out of Salt Lake, but you can't take the Salt Lake blues out of the show

You can take the Outdoor Retailer trade show out of Salt Lake, but you can't take the Salt Lake blues out of the show

 

  1. We’re launching DREAM PRODUCT on Kickstarter. If we raise $650,000, then DREAM PRODUCT will be available to your readers in 24 months. If not, DREAM PRODUCT will never come to market. Can I get you a DREAM PRODUCT to review today?
  2. These are genuine YKK zippers.
  3. Bear with me. I’m going to use the word “membrane” 17 times in the next three minutes. Also “waterproof and breathable.” No, “membrane” is all we’ve got. And no again, I don’t think “sheath,” “lamina,” or “mucosa” are any better. And, yes, we focus-grouped “waterproof-breathable placenta.” It didn’t score well. You look like a sample size, would you like to try on this concept piece? The membrane goes directly against your skin.
  4. This part of the sole is for traction and this part of the sole is for acceleration. Seriously.
  5. EPS, ABS, EVA, EPP,  SEP, DWR, GFY.
  6. Last year, you might have noticed a barely perceptible sexual tension and easy flirtatiousness in our exchange. That shit ain’t gonna fly now.
  7. So the idea here is that as you’re going 48 miles per hour, you shift your focus to this little digital display on the lens so that you know you’re going 48 miles per hour.
  8. Are you having a good show? How’s the show going for you?
  9. Oh hello, my name is Katie, I just started with this PR firm. No I haven’t noticed that every PR person is named either Chris, Christie, Nick, or Katie. How is that funny exactly?
  10. Please note this sample is a prototype. The battery will be insulated so that the device works outside. And we’re working on the plastic so that it won’t explode when exposed to UV light. The production version will be Bluetooth compatible of course, but for now that little button is merely cosmetic. This entire section here will be carbon fiber, not just a drawing of carbon fiber. And this little lever won’t cut your thumb once engineering reworks it. And no, the sleeves weren’t intentionally cut to “capris length,” we’re working on it. If you can overlook all that, we’d love for you to review this test sample today. Please remember that it’s a prototype! And feel free to reach out with questions before you write it up. For instance, if these screws back out.  
  11. It’s sooooo nice to see you again! (Eyes drift to nametag.)
  12. We can’t tell you what patent pending mystery substance is made from, but trust us that it’s environmentally friendly.
  13. Overheard: “The key to this job is to go out back and burn your face off between appointments.”
  14. Yes it’s true that we live-pluck, but only from consenting ducks. “I’d really like to coax this quill out,” our pluckers plead, checking in. “How do you feel about that?”
  15. The oompah band and German beer is cool, but kind of bad timing with the busty women in drindels, eh?
  16. As we’re walking, what are the top 20 things that you’ve seen?
  17. Attention all starving freelancers, please attend our gourmet lobster and black cod luncheon. There’s no obligation to cover our beneficent company, or even subconsciously develop a warm and sated association with us. Mmm, that is indeed crème brûlée, Mr. Bartleby Scrivener. You’re looking a bit peaked. Shall I crack the glaze for you?
  18. Titanal is sort of like titanium, except it’s more fun to say 10 times fast.
  19. The inspirational speaker series is slated for 7:30 a.m. when everyone but the speaker is still pickled.
  20. Print media is completely dead to our company. I can safely say that we will never buy another print ad. Thanks for agreeing to meet with us, we’d love for you to review this item in print. 
  21. Hiring off-duty strippers to hand out fliers is probably a bad call at the moment, eh?
  22. Yeah, all in we’ll spend about $450,000 on this show even though we haven’t written an order here in 15 years and our retailers have already seen the new product three times at this point in the season. Tell your sales guy sorry for me, but I don’t have 10 grand to market my brand for the entire year.
  23. Is that noon vomit in the snowboard section?
  24. You have to feel the hand on this fabric. It has wonderful hand. 
Filed To: Denver / Abs / Eyes / Insulated / Media / Skin / Walking
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