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Semi-Rad

Bears Don't Care About Your Problems

Outside contributor Brendan Leonard reads an excerpt from his new book, Bears Don’t Care About Your Problems: More Funny Shit in the Woods from Semi-Rad.com, out now

Video Transcript

SUBJECT: Bears don't care about your problems. Call your mom, tell your Twitter followers, or take a Sharpie and write them on the wall of a public restroom, if you must, but bears certainly don't give a shit. Bears do not care how many likes your bikini selfie got on Instagram today. Bears do not care if the grocery store was out of your favorite almond milk. Even if you have slight anxiety because you haven't mowed your lawn in a while and it's more than ankle high, bears could not care less. 

Did you drop your phone and crack the screen? I know, . Again don't go looking for a bear to commiserate with you. Bears don't have phones or sympathy for humans who can't take care of nice things like $700 computers they keep in their pockets. 

Bears do not care if you're not feeling motivated or if you aren't happy at your job. Or if you're just so busy all the time now. Bears are busy, too. Busy spending zero time wondering how you're doing out there and the non-wilderness parts of the world, and instead focusing on their own survival, which is a little less trivial than the stuff you've been complaining about. 

Like you, bears have not been putting much money in their 401(k). But bears don't have 401(k)s or any sort of money system or retirement. Bears don't want to hear about your new diet, what you're avoiding, or what you're only eating now, or how it makes you feel or not feel. You can eat rocks and die, for all bears care. Bears are eating everything they goddamn can right now. 

And by the way, don't you think they're looking a bit more athletic compared to last summer? Just kidding, when it comes to [BLEEP] bears give about what you think, the official total is zero. Bears are not arguing about politics with their uncles at awkward family get togethers on Facebook or anywhere. Bears are not sitting in a Starbucks with their friend, Christie, telling her about what that toxic bitch, Kim, said to Jen about them last week, even though they hate drama, and the only reason they're telling Christie is because she doesn't see Kim for who she is. Bears don't worry about gossip. 

Bears can run 30 miles per hour though, which is faster than Usain Bolt, for the record. Bears are out there doing their shit, being in the moment like we all talk about wishing we did a better job of. Bears are not meditating and trying to find their center. They are trying to find food, keeping track of their kids, and occasionally destroying other species that [BLEEP] with them. Then they sleep. Bears do not have time for your shit.