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Amazon Reviews of 'Moby Dick' As Free Verse Poetry

"The book was fine but I hated the story"

Hating Moby Dick, with the advent of online reviews on Amazon and Goodreads, has become its own art form. (Photo: Brendan Leonard)
moby dick

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Lots of people love Moby Dick, which has long been considered a classic of American literature and one of the best adventure books of all time. But lots of people do not love Moby Dick, too. They hate it. Hating Moby Dick, with the advent of online reviews on Amazon and Goodreads, has become its own art form. Reading the reviews is fun, but it’s even more fun if you insert some spaces and format the reviews into free verse, which I have done below for your enjoyment. (All spelling and punctuation is quoted verbatim from the original reviews.)


Truth.

Jaws

is better

—Nicessist, July 31, 2015


Do not like how it is written in old English

Do not like how it is written in old English. 

Was not aware of that. 

Also, the print is extremely small. 

Tried to read it, 

but 

put it down.

—Eileen, August 29, 2016


Weak Plot Line

This book moves very slowly. 

She spent too much time 

having the characters moon over each other. 

It took a very long time 

for each step of the plot to happen. 

I finally skipped to the last chapter from about 50%. 

I don’t think I missed anything.

—bjski, April 26, 2019


Slow and Boring Story

I could not wait to finish 

this book. 

The characters 

were not likeable 

and 

I found them annoying.

This should have been a short story.

—linda, April 2, 2019


One Star

Small letters, 

smelly pages.

—Florelis, January 3, 2018


Moby-dick not favorite book

I didn’t like it 

because 

it was 

too long 

of a book.

I rate it 1 star 

because a lot of parts in the book I didn't understand.

—Tess, August 12, 2019


Bad fish porn

Not into fish 

porn

—bru, April 14, 2019


One Star

Author droned 

on 

and on 

and on. 

Couldn’t get past 

the second chapter

—Laurie G. Williams, September 24, 2015


One Star

Horrible book, 

never means what he says. 

drives 

me 

INSANE.

—Amazon Customer, December 7, 2017


One Star

no

—S. Nyer, September 5, 2016


One Star

Horrible read. 

Ramble, ramble and ramble. 

I struggled 

to finish 

this book.

—Mark, May 25, 2016


One Star

Poor acting by lead character, 

the book was fairly good, 

the movie 

not so.

—janice kadushin, March 5, 2016


One Star

very slow until 

contact 

with 

moby dick

—john gerardi, February 20, 2015


I SURE HOPE YOU ENJOY LEARNING ABOUT WHALES

I SURE HOPE YOU ENJOY LEARNING ABOUT WHALES!!!! 

Listen 

I read this book hoping to get a pretty good story 

hoping to see some of the solidarity in man 

by reading about his voyages in water 

hoping to relate to some of the struggles from being solely focused on obtaining a certain goal etc. 

But honestly 

good Lord! 

I swear 85% of this book is various lessons 

on whaling 

the origin of whales, 

whale distinction, 

whale body parts, 

whale sperm, 

different color whales. 

Oh my goodness 

the book starts off quick with the appearance of Queepeg 

you think ok we might have something here 

but NO! 

this book drags on 

and on 

and on 

and on. 

Gets off topic ALL of the time. 

The majority of this book is about how Ismael feels 

and about whale parts. 

And when Moby Dick does show up AT THE END OF THE BOOK 

Captain Ahab vs. Moby Dick was as big a mitch-match 

since the Super Bowl between Denver and Seattle. 

It was anti-climatic 

some people might get this book 

but please don’t put me down as one. 

SAVE YOURSELF THE TIME AND ENERGY 

READ THE OLD MAN AND THE SEA 

A MUCH BETTER BOOK

—Oliver, September 27, 2014


One Star

tedious

—Anne Wyatt, January 18, 2016


One Star

Outstanding!

—Rogelio Lozano, September 7, 2017


Obvious he was paid by the word

I tried. 

I really tried. 

Multiple times. 

But the page 

after page 

describing all the different types of whales in the most minute of detail, and the sentences that stretch so long that by the end of them I’d realize I couldn’t figure out for the life of me what point he was trying to make. 

I finally decided 

life is to short to torture myself with a book 

I’m just not enjoying, 

and I moved on. 

Maybe I’ll try again in another 10 years.

—Smurf, August 24, 2018


One Star

The book 

was fine 

but 

I hated the story

—Kasey Patton, April 15, 2015


Meh.

Taxing 

as well as underwhelming. 

So many unnecessary side notes, 

few of which really contribute to the plot itself, 

but I’m no scholar 

see for yourself.

—Kindle Customer, July 19, 2019


One Star

boreing

—paul weaver, February 28, 2015


I Could Be Wrong

But reading it 

feels like being trapped 

in a whale’s belly 

with Chuck Klosterman.

—lori c. baughman, October 9, 2018


boring

i had to read this book for school 

it boring 

dont read 

why is this so famous. 

cant even understand writing. 

words too big i hate it not even interesting. 

they just sit on a boat then get killed by a whale 

stupid captian 

knew they were gonna die

—Denali, August 1, 2013


Moby Dick

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! 

It just went on and on and ON! 

About rubbish! 

SOme old guy 

with one leg 

hunts down a white whale 

and in the end he kills the thing, 

but at the expense of his life 

and lives of his whole crew,

 except one guy....

It may be liked by older people, 

but it really isn’t for young people.

—atg, August 20, 2011


Tedious

Do we really need 

a 10 page analysis 

of the color white, 

or any of the other tedious digressions contained in this book? 

I say 

no. 

I loved the poetic language Melville uses, 

and there is no doubt 

he was a great writer. 

He did not, 

however 

have a great editor. 

Getting through this book was like running a marathon, 

where you are forced to stop every mile 

and listen to a lecture on running, 

running shoes, 

knee pain, 

gatorade, 

or any other subject remotely related. 

Finishing the marathon gives you bragging rights, 

but not much more.

—vikingslayer, November 25, 2010


Overhyped

Moby Dick is 

an overhyped, 

monotonous, 

pretentious, 

pseudo-intellectual 

piece of crap, 

in other words 

an English lit major’s wet dream. 

It’s the absolute meaningless ramblings 

of a half wit, 

not some great intellectual masterpiece. 

Maybe Melville was the Justin Bieber 

and “Twin Peaks” of his day, 

talentless and meaningless 

but few will admit 

they were fooled.

—Tom Adams, December 6, 2011


Not enough dicks

There were 

no dicks 

in this book.

—Ben Reser, March 21, 2015


Brendan Leonard’s new book, Bears Don’t Care About Your Problems: More Funny Shit in the Woods from Semi-Rad.com, is out now.

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Lead Photo: Brendan Leonard
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