Welcome to Tequila Beach, our Grand Canyon raft trip-themed bar, where we’ve gone to great lengths to recreate an experience just like a Grand Canyon raft trip. Without, you know, the Grand Canyon, or rafts. Here are some of the unique features of our establishment:
- Cover is $1,400, and you’re not allowed to leave the bar for 16 days.
- We don’t have any glass glasses for cocktails, or any glass bottles, so when you order a Stranahan’s on the rocks, you’ll see us pouring whiskey out of a plastic bottle. How do you know it’s Stranahan’s? I guess you’ll have to take our word for it.
- Also, we have some ice, which could theoretically be used to make your drink, but we’re conserving the ice, so…
- We don’t have wine glasses, so wine is served in a coffee mug or directly out of the bottle. And by “bottle,” we mean “bag.”
- We don’t have any beer bottles, just cans.
- Every sixth beer has been punctured by a rock and diluted with a varying amount of river water.
- If you’d like a snack with your drinks, we have pretzels and tortilla chips with salt and sand on them. All the beer cans have sand around the rim. The floor of the bar is covered in sand. Every Thursday evening, we turn on a huge fan and toss sand into it so that it blows across the entire bar.
- We are open 24 hours a day. If you want to drink from 8 A.M. to midnight every day, you are free to do so, and it is up to you whether you consider that sustainable and/or healthy.
- Because of the sandy floor of the bar, all of the chairs in the bar are camp chairs.
- We have no restroom, so if you have to pee, please go out back and do so in the creek.
- If you have to poop, please enjoy doing so in our wobbly metal box with a toilet seat mounted on top of it. Peeing in the box is absolutely prohibited, however.
- Also, we’re kind of conserving toilet paper, so if you could do your best not to use that much of it…thanks.
- Upon admission to our bar, you will receive a handful of sand to pour over your toothbrush and other personal belongings, and into your hair and the crevices of your nether regions. I mean, you might as well, anyway.
- We do not have pool tables, foosball, or dartboards, but we have glow-in-the-dark bocce, regular bocce, no TVs, and our building seals out cell phone reception. We have one box of books and they are all about the Grand Canyon, rafting, and conservation.
- We have one cooler we do not open until week two, and one cooler we do not open until week three. Please don’t open the coolers unless you like moldy food.
- We don’t serve water but you’re welcome to hand pump filter a glass or two out back from the creek.
We hope you’ll enjoy your time here at Tequila Beach, the only Grand Canyon raft trip-themed bar in the world. It’s not for everyone, but many of the folks who have been here once become regulars—with a little time in between visits to shower and detoxify.
Brendan Leonard’s new book, Bears Don’t Care About Your Problems: More Funny Shit in the Woods from Semi-Rad.com, is out now.