You don't have to have a bulletproof morning routine. All you need is strong coffee.
You don't have to have a bulletproof morning routine. All you need is strong coffee. (Brendan Leonard)
Semi-Rad

Morning Routines Normal People Swear By

Who needs a killer routine when you can just have coffee?

You don't have to have a bulletproof morning routine. All you need is strong coffee.
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You may have heard or read a lot about the morning routines of high-functioning people—CEOs, visionary businesswomen and men, political leaders, gurus, life coaches, and other larger-than-real-life figures. They only sleep 45 minutes a night, and upon waking, they walk into a dry ice chamber for ten minutes to meditate and get their heart going while reviewing their goals for the day, then eat fresh greens and raw fish, wash it down with a gallon of ionized water, and finally have a single espresso or four ounces of coffee. After finishing their morning routine, they go out and succeed like a motherfucker, making more money in the first hour of the day than you and I make in an entire week or month. And I kind of assume they look good doing it.

You, too, can adopt these routines of successful people.

Or you can do something completely different, something similar to what the rest of us do in the morning. Follow these 14 steps and you’ll be on your path to being kind of successful—especially if your definition of success is something like “keeping it together for another day” or “being pretty grateful to be alive and have what I have.”

1. Get seven to nine hours of sleep, and then…

(Brendan Leonard)

2. Hit snooze 3 to 11 times.

(Brendan Leonard)

3. If you have kids, laugh at the idea of having a routine that optimizes anything to do with you.

(Brendan Leonard)

4. Despite the fact that you’re already behind schedule, look at stuff on your phone for 5 to 20 minutes. 

(Brendan Leonard)

Doesn’t matter what it is.


5. Exclaim “Oh shit” and bolt out of bed.

(Brendan Leonard)

6. Without first meditating for ten minutes or doing any sort of exercises, walk straight to your kitchen and make coffee however you usually do it.

(Brendan Leonard)

7. Consider making a smoothie using one to several superfoods, and then don’t do it and instead drink two to five cups of coffee without eating anything.

(Brendan Leonard)

8. Grab the notebook you would like to use for five to ten minutes of journaling. 

(Brendan Leonard)

Write a semi-complete grocery list in it instead.


9. Check your cupboards to see if you own coconut oil. 

(Brendan Leonard)

Yes? OK. No? OK too. Moving on.


10. Hastily brush your teeth for 20 seconds.

(Brendan Leonard)

11. Put on clothes for work. 

(Brendan Leonard)

Maybe even clean, and/or ironed ones.


12. Begin your commute, continuously mulling over whether you have time to stop and get a breakfast burrito or not.

(Brendan Leonard)

Either way, stop and get a breakfast burrito.


13. Realize you left your grocery list at home.

(Brendan Leonard)

Make a mental note to at least buy toilet paper and bananas.


14. Regardless of what type of footwear you’re wearing, sprint or Olympic racewalk the final three to five minutes to your office.

(Brendan Leonard)

Arrive flushed, slightly sweaty, and ready to eat a breakfast burrito at your desk.

Lead Photo: Brendan Leonard
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