Why You Shouldn’t Date an Everest Climber
Oh, your Tinder date climbed the world’s highest peak? I’m unimpressed.
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In a viral tweet this week, comedian Isabel Hagen quipped, “I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit.”
Online dating is not without its challenges: you must fend off unsolicited sexts, small talk your way through boring dates, and avoid your coworkers’ profiles like the plague. You go on the same dates, tell the same stories, and cycle through excitement and disappointment so often you feel like you’re in Groundhog Day.
Mount Everest is also not without its challenges: you must pack a lot of gear and coordinate a lot of travel and permits to make your attempt on the world’s highest mountain. You need to be strong, resilient, and able to keep a cool head in serious situations. Extreme weather, high altitude, and treacherous terrain all up the ante. But in recent years, an Everest summit has become less of a badge of honor for the world’s best mountaineers, and a bit more like a for-purchase feather-in-the-cap for the wealthy. With guide companies that cook for you, carry your gear, plan your route, tie your knots, and walk you up the mountain, do you really have to be that skilled, or tough, to make it to the top these days?
Summiting Everest twice—and putting it on the main page of your dating profile—is a red flag. (This excludes those who work on the mountain. If you’re a guide, call me 😉 ) If anything, we’d encourage you not to date an Everest climber. Here’s why:
- Doesn’t clean up after himself. If Everest is littered with trash and feces, what do you think this man’s apartment looks like?
- So. Much. Baggage. And he always has someone else carry it.
- Compulsive need to be on top. Plus, he’s clumsy at going down.
- Refers to his apartment as “base camp.” And uses “everest” as a verb.
- Blows his money on expensive impulse purchases “because it’s there.”
- No toes, but wears sandals anyway.
- Terrible tan lines. Have you seen glacier glasses?
- Used to standing in long lines in inclement weather and expects you to be cool with it too.
- Calls his favorite dance move the “Hillary Step.”
- Tries to sext with a Garmin InReach.
- This is the suit he wore to your sister’s wedding.
- Constantly getting prayer flags stuck in the ceiling fan.
- Corrects you whenever you mispronounce “couloir.”
- Honestly, just smells like ass.
- Pronounces “Himalaya” the ANNOYING way.
- Has an Ed Viesturs Fathead™ hanging in his bedroom.
- Overuses the word “sherpa.”
- Wants to go to “his place” but sleeps in a high altitude chamber.
- But on the plus side: He doesn’t object to being tied up.