Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Part II

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Travel Guide, Winter 1995-1996

Matchmaker, Matchmaker, Part II

A test to pair you with your sultry better half
By Paul Kvinta

The cliché-filled travelogues that lump all islands together in a wad of sand, cocoa butter, and umbrella-festooned drinks are intrinsically flawed. Islands can differ dramatically: Across a narrow waterway, one might bristle with Parisian attitude, while another welcomes with hey-mon bonhomie. Some are good for snorkeling, others for hiking. Mull over this test and pick
your paradise.

1. Upon arrival, the first thing you hope to see is
(a) perfectly shaped head-high waves.
(b) a 300-pound marlin posing with a sunburned guy on a dock.
(c) a jungle-covered volcano, its rim mysteriously shrouded by clouds.
(d) an empty chaise longue on a deserted white-sand beach.
(e) a smiling Rastafarian horticulturalist.

2. Your ideal traveling companion is someone who
(a) can buddy breathe at 40 meters.
(b) knows when to tack, when to jibe, and when to make beer runs in the dinghy.
(c) is “jungle certified” in emergency medicine.
(d) is always on hand to slather you with SPF 15.
(e) takes rum shots through a snorkel at the swim-up bar.

3. On the islands you wear
(a) neoprene over puckered skin.
(b) a fighting harness.
(c) undergarments that wick.
(d) the ambient sand stuck to your tanning butter.
(e) a beverage-dispensing helmet shaped like a pineapple.

4. “Suitable accommodations” means
(a) an inflatable raft with room for your fins.
(b) the lower berth.
(c) mosquito netting.
(d) a palapa with a double-wide hammock.
(e) a beachfront suite with a private Jacuzzi and a 14-speed blender.

5. Your island lunch consists of
(a) very, very fresh conch.
(b) Vienna sausage–popped into your mouth by a deckhand so you can keep two fists wrapped around your bucking marlin rod.
(c) Gu.
(d) the coconut that almost beaned you.
(e) one of those special Jamaican brownies washed down by a cup of that vile-tasting tea.

6. If you could make a movie based on your island vacation, it would most resemble
(a) The Endless Summer, Parts I and II.
(b) 1492: Conquest of Paradise.
(c) The Mosquito Coast.
(d) The Blue Lagoon.
(e) Weekend at Bernie’s.

7. In the evenings, you like to
(a) stalk morays.
(b) lie brazenly about the one that got away.
(c) remove leeches.
(d) stand up, shake out your towel, and ride the golf cart home to bed.
(e) wedge yourself into a writhing, sweating herd of merengue dancers.

See also:

The Outside Yenta Says (click here for your ideal island)

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