Witch Doctor “Injures” World Cup Mega-Star

Ronaldo's bum knee could be blessing for U.S.


Nana Kwaku Bonsam, a man reported by the Guardian as being Ghana’s “most influential witch doctor,” is taking credit for the knee injury that is threatening Cristiano Ronaldo’s participation in the FIFA World Cup.

The star Portuguese striker and beacon of metrosexuality is suffering from tendinosis in his left knee, an affliction that could sideline him for his country’s group stage matches against Germany, the United States, and, yes, Ghana. 

“I said it four months ago that I will work on Cristiano Ronaldo seriously and rule him out of the World Cup or at least prevent him from playing against Ghana, and the best thing I can do is to keep him out though injury,” Bonsam said. “This injury can never be cured by any medic; they can never see what is causing the injury because it is spiritual. Today it is his knee, tomorrow it is his thigh, next day it is something else.”

Although fans of Team USA may be grateful for Bonsam’s spooky intervention, they’d better hope that the Ghanian concocter of spells doesn’t decide to “work on” Michael Bradley or Clint Dempsey.

Meanwhile, World Cup host country Brazil is having problems of its own, as last night thousands of homeless Brazilians marched on Corinthians Stadium in Sao Paulo. Echoing last year’s countrywide demonstrations, the protesters vented their frustration over Brazil’s excessive spending for the World Cup and the 2016 Olympics in Rio.