Ibex Just Killed the World’s Best Boxer Brief
The author's lament to the underwear responsible for the conception of his son
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The Ibex Zepher Wind Boxer Briefs died last winter at the age of 3, leaving behind an unparalleled legacy of service to the male reproductive system.
As grape-smugglers go, their roots were humble yet profound. Born in 2012 from an armload of cruelty-free merino wool donated by a Shireling lamb—and from the necessity of frostbite-proofing one’s junk from head-on polar gusts—the Zepher Wind quickly became the environmental chastity belt of comfortable manties. That shiny panel of nylon wind-blocking material over the groin? An unholy marriage of flak jacket and banana hammock.
Supporters agreed on, first, the superior comfort and breathability of stench-proof, eco-conscious merino wool. Second: that windproof flap was the real deal. Arctic endurance nuts proclaimed the nylon panel superior to the time-honored tradition of shoving rabbit fur down their tighties and the sole reason they could satisfy partners after the temp dipped to negative 42 Fahrenheit with the wind chill.
Despite the accolades, the Zepher Wind remained true to its roots as a working-class unmentionable. It was durability, not aesthetics, that drove the only re-design: the extension of the windproof panel into fermunda territory after multiple wearers reported early wear and cold drafts against their perineal regions.
Yes, the penny-wise balked at the $60 price point, but admitted their pound-foolish strategy after spending just one morning prostrate from the repeated kick to the balls that is The Slowly Thawing Corpus Spongiosum.
But in the end, it may have been that very utilitarianism—the firm adherence to form before fashion—that undid the Zepher Wind. They never graced the limbs of an Ibex catalog model, preferring to stand alone and unafraid against a backdrop of digital white. Half boxer, half brief, they were all purpose: protect that most inglorious member of the male form. They had one job. And they did it well.
The Zepher Wind Boxer Briefs are survived by my son, who would never have been conceived if it hadn’t been for them. They were preceded by The Use of Duct Tape to Insulate One’s Johnson, The Dual-Purpose Sock, and the short-lived and unfortunately wired Electric Undies. In lieu of flowers, contributions may be made to one of those places that freezes sperm before their owner does something dumb like lose his wiener to frostbite. A flaming Viking funeral service will be held at midnight of the winter solstice on the Alaskan side of the Bering Sea. Wear something warm.