39 Things to Say to the Climber You’re Belaying

1.     “You got this.”

2.     “Breathe.”

3.     “Relax, shake out, and go for it when you’re ready.”

4.     “You are strong, you are prepared, and you will climb this route.”

5.     “Pull on that hold with the same enthusiasm I’ve seen you pull on the door of that donut shop.”

6.     “If you send this, you can put ‘I climb 5.10b’ in your Tinder profile.”

7.     “Do you really want your kids to grow up with a [mother/father] who didn’t send the turquoise route at the gym because they gave up?”

8.     “Do you really want your [niece/nephew] to grow up with an [aunt/uncle] who didn’t send the turquoise route at the gym because they gave up?”

9.     “Do you really want your grandchildren to grow up with a grandparent who didn’t send the turquoise route at the gym because they gave up?”

10.  “If you send this, I’ll buy you dinner at Arby’s afterward.”

11.  “If you send this, I’ll buy you a puppy.”

12.  “If you send this, I’ll marry you.”

13.  “If you send this, I’ll sign the divorce papers.”

14.  “Focus.”

15.  “What we do in life echoes in eternity.”

16.  “I still have you on belay, just FYI.”

17.  “If you send this, I will contribute $11 to your 401(k).”

18.  “If you send this, I’ll give you back that power washer I borrowed from you eight months ago.”

19.  “If you send this, I will pay Cardi B to write and record a song in your honor.”

20.  “If you send this, I will present you with a five-gallon bucket of Lucky Charms that’s all marshmallows.”

21.  “Allez!”

22.  “You better lose yourself in the music, the moment. You own it, you better never let it go. You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime.”

23.  “Even if you don’t send this, I still think you’re a good person.”

24.  “Everybody’s watching you.”

25.  “Nobody’s watching you.”

26.  “[Person the climber is attracted to] is watching you.”

27.  “You are definitely worth more than they’re paying you at work, and if your boss doesn’t see that, or refuses to admit that, I think you should definitely start looking for another job where they’ll appreciate what you bring to the table.”

28.  “That hold was definitely on the route.”

29.  “In the grand scheme of things, climbing this route, as well as climbing at all, is really meaningless, so whether or not you send it really doesn’t matter to the rest of the world and the overall fate of humanity, when you think about it.”

30.  “You can do it.”

31.  “You’re having a really good hair day.”

32.  “Pretend that next hold is the love of your life, and grab it and don’t let go.”

33.  “Pretend that next hold is enlightenment.”

34.  “Pretend that next hold is a healthy level of self-esteem.”

35.  “Pretend that next hold unlocks a free oil change and tire rotation at Jiffy Lube.”

36.  “Pretend that next hold is a lever that shows all your high school classmates that you did, despite what they said, amount to something after all.”

37.  “All things considered, I think we’re fortunate to be able to be healthy and have enough time on our hands to go climbing at all, whether or not you succeed on this route today.”

38.  “Yeah Gary, come on, Gary, come on, Gary, come on, Gary, come on, Gary, come on, Gary, come on, Gary, yeah, Gary!”

39.  “Good job.”

Brendan Leonard’s new book, Bears Don’t Care About Your Problems: More Funny Shit in the Woods from Semi-Rad.com, is out now.